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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854374">Sorry.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherin_INTJ/pseuds/Slytherin_INTJ'>Slytherin_INTJ</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 39 Clues - Various Authors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coffee, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:34:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,649</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherin_INTJ/pseuds/Slytherin_INTJ</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Cahill isn't the same after everything that has happened to him. One can understand his jaded actions and thoughts.<br/>~*~*~<br/>Or a look into Dan's mind and days after the event of The 39 Clues books.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amy Cahill &amp; Dan Cahill, Amy Cahill/Ian Kabra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sorry.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a one shot. However it is pretty long and 'hopefully' well written. I absolutely love Dan's characters and they kind of mentioned his change from playful boy to serous teen, but didn't explore it as much as I hoped. This is my take. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sky was clear, and Dan Cahill was at the beach. He could feel the sand, hot underneath his bare feet. The sun shined on his head, warming his hair until it was hot to the touch. When he closed his eyes, he could feel happiness radiating from this place. Families with little children, playing in cool water, laughing together. He looked over at his sister, who was smiling bigger than he’d ever seen her smile.</p><p>           All of a sudden, the air turned cold. He shivered as goosebumps rose on his previously hot skin. Amy was gone. The laughter that had filled the air was replaced with the now menacing sound of rushing water. His eyes darted to the ocean, whose waters were now dark and choppy. Dan ran away from the water as fast as he could, his insides churning with fear, but the water surged up the beach too quickly. He felt it licking at his ankles, then his knees, and then he was submerged completely.</p><p>          Suddenly, shaking him out of a waterlogged daze, a hand desperately shot up from the depths. A rush of bubbles flew up towards Dan’s frantically kicking feet. He looked down through the murk just as the familiar hand began to disappear downwards into the dark water. Lester. Dan was consumed with a concoction of panic and guilt so extreme, it sprang him to action before he even had a chance to think. He dove for the hand, his arms pushing him down, down, down, because he had to save Lester, he had to. But the hand was being pulled under faster than Dan could swim, and his lungs were burning. Letting out what little breath he’d had left in a pained, guttural sob that sent bubbles rising to the surface, he turned around and began to swim up. </p><p>          Slowly, at first, his inability to save Lester once again weighed him down, but as his lungs threatened to burst, he began to move faster and faster, thrashing his legs violently as he swam upwards. The grey ocean above him seemed to stretch, pulling the surface farther and farther from his flailing arms. Without warning, something strong grabbed his ankle tightly, jolting him so hard he inhaled what felt like gallons of saltwater. The hand began to drag him downwards, and Dan had one last thought, lungs on fire, before blacking out. I deserve this.</p><p>          He woke with a start. His sheets were dampened with a clammy sweat that had formed throughout Dan’s twenty-third restless night so far. Dan hadn’t had a peaceful night’s sleep since he, his sister Amy, and his au pair Nellie had defeated the vespers last month. There were different nightmares, of course. Dreams with Irina, falling into the fire and being consumed by the flames once more. Ones where Isabel or Bae kidnapped him and tortured the serum formula out of him. Or ones like tonight’s, with Lester…</p><p>          Upon the thought of Lester, Dan was so overcome with emotion that he ripped the covers off his body and jumped out of bed. He walked out into the hallway and down the staircase. His fingers anxiously tapped on the elaborately carved handrails as he went down, quelling the guilt rising up in his throat, though only a little. He still wasn’t quite used to living in Grace’s house. It was so much bigger than their apartment in Boston, and it felt so empty without Grace in it. Although the rebuilt version's meticulous attention to the house’s original details made it familiar in shape, it didn’t quite feel the same. The lingering smells of his grandmother were gone, replaced by a strange sense that everything was wrong, like a warped dream version of the mansion. No one else seemed to be bothered by it though so Dan kept this thought to himself.</p><p>          Dan walked into the kitchen, sure to step quietly as not to wake the sleeping cat perched precariously on the counter, his legs dangling off the edge. He turned on the coffee machine. Coffee supposedly stunted your growth, and Dan’s own personal opinion was that it tasted like butt, but he needed the extra caffeine to keep him up throughout the day, since he could never really force himself to go back to sleep after the nightmares he had. He checked the clock. 5:18. Nice, he had made it pretty long this time. He wouldn’t have to wait as long for Amy to get up.</p><p>          Dan Cahill’s life had been permanently changed by the clue hunt. He knew that their family’s difficult relationship with itself and others would eventually catch back up to them, but even before then, not a minute went by where the clues weren’t on his mind. The Dan that had left Massachusetts this summer after Grace’s funeral hadn’t come back. He saw the world completely differently now.</p><p>          He heard footsteps shuffling about upstairs. Amy was awake. He snuck into the closet, where he put his clothes every night so Amy wouldn’t see him tiptoeing back up from the kitchen. He knew that she’d be worried. He didn’t want her worrying about him. She’d give him that look- the annoying scrunchy one- so chock full of pity and condescending, it made him want to puke. He was only three years younger than her, but sometimes she acted like he was still four years old. As he heard the soft tap of socked feet coming down the carpeted stairs, </p><p>         Dan hastily pulled on his Jeans and pushed his head through the hole of his shirt.</p><p>         “Morning!” He said to his sister, popping out from the closet. Amy smiled.</p><p>         “Since when are you a morning person? You’ve been up before me almost every day this year,” she replied. Dan shrugged.</p><p>         “I guess I’m just really passionate about learning,” Or I can’t sleep and can’t forget the faces of those I have killed or those who I caused their death. He smiled though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “School rocks!” </p><p>         Amy rolled her eyes, “Whatever. Just eat your breakfast and get to the bus on time.” </p><p>         Dan let out a quiet sigh of relief that had been close. If Amy found out he hadn’t been sleeping…</p><p>         “I’m not hungry,'' he mumbled, sitting down at the counter waiting for the time he could go to school and be free from the gaze of his sister.</p><p>         Amy looked at him incredulously, “Dan Cahill not hungry?”</p><p>         He shrugged. She raised her eyes but let it go turning towards the sink to wash her dishes. However she stopped after seeing the coffee maker.</p><p>         “Dan? You drink coffee?” she asked incredulously. Oops. Dan cursed under his breath for doing such a poor job of hiding it. He was really bad at this whole “lying to his sister” thing.</p><p>         “Um, yeah. I’m in ninth grade, Amy. I can do what I want.” Dan snapped. He winced. That might’ve been a bit too harsh. He was just really tired and drinking coffee basically everyday probably didn’t help him either. </p><p>         Amy held up her hands in surrender, “Hey, I wasn’t judging you. Calm down.” she told him. “Come on. The bus is gonna get here any minute.”</p><p>         Dan shoved a spoonful of cereal in his mouth and grabbed his backpack. It was October, so not quite cold enough for a jacket yet, but Amy was always trying to get him to at least wear a sweater. You’ll get hypothermia, she’d said. Dan had scoffed. They had survived the clue hunt, hadn’t they? He seriously doubted he could be bested by some chilly winds.</p><p>         The school bus was a lot different now that they lived in Grace’s neighborhood. When they had had their little apartment in Boston, all the kids had been relatively poor. But now all the kids in the houses around them were loaded. They had fancy backpacks and always had the newest iPhone. Lots of the kids around here didn’t even go to Dan’s school, but the fancy private schools littered all over Attleboro, so they didn’t ride the bus at all. It always weirded Dan out that he was actually one of the rich kids now- he’d always had to negotiate his way to every penny, and now he had as much money as he could find need for.</p><p>         The school bus pulled up at one of the more reasonably sized houses- reasonable being relative, it was still big enough to comfortably fit a family of ten. Onto the bus scampered a girl in Dan’s grade. She was short, blonde, and freckled and had introduced herself to Dan as Sofia-with-an-f. Dan had thought this was stupid at the time, but had then been introduced to the three other Sophia's in his grade and had decided it made sense. Sofia-with-an-f had sat next to Dan on the bus every day since the very start of the school year. They weren’t friends or anything, they only sat together because neither of them knew anyone else on the bus and neither of them wanted to sit alone. Some days they made small talk, but most days Sofia was listening to some sort of podcast or something, and Dan didn’t care enough to initiate a conversation. Today, however, she didn’t have her phone with her. Dan braced himself for thirty minutes of awkward sort-of talking.</p><p>         Sofia turned in her seat to look at him. Dan gulped, suddenly afraid of what kind of question she might ask him. Would she ask where he’d been for the first month of the school year? Why did he suddenly ride this bus when last year he had lived in a little apartment in Boston? What had happened to his house when it caught fire?</p><p>         “Do you collect baseball cards?” she asked him. Relieved, Dan shrugged. He had collected them before the clue hunt, but had had to sell them for money so they didn’t get stranded in France. Of course, that was before he had known they’d had Madrigal money to spend all along. Dan was briefly annoyed that he had sold the cards in the first place, but then realized that he didn’t really care that much about his collections anymore.</p><p>         “Used to.” he responded to Sofia. She looked a little disappointed. Dan quickly tried to recover. “I mean, I do know how to get, like, good ones.” Sofia perked up at this.</p><p>         “Really? ‘Cause I’ve been wanting to start a collection for a while,” she told him excitedly, “and I heard that you’re the guy to ask about that kind of stuff.” Dan smiled. This wasn’t actually that bad. He spent the rest of the bus ride talking to Sofia about the intricacies of baseball card trading.</p><p>         When the bus pulled up to the school, Dan took a breath before leaving the bus. Maybe, for the first time since the clue hunt ended, he’d have a good day? He almost laughed out loud at that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever have a good day again.<br/>
~*~*~*~<br/>
Amy Cahill was worried about her brother. He had been acting strange ever since they returned from the clue hunt. Of course she had known from the beginning they would be different but Dan was really starting to worry her. One, he was waking up earlier than her every morning he never did that even on the clue hunt. Two, he had started drinking coffee and before now he had said coffee was revolting and older people only drank it because they wanted to feel young. Now it seemed he was drinking it at least every day. She had asked him about it earlier but that doesn’t mean she didn’t notice it for the past month. Three, and probably the oddest and most suspicious clue out of all of them he had stopped eating a lot. He would only eat lunch and if she was lucky she would see him eat an apple for dinner. Something was definitely wrong and she was going to ask him about it tonight. She also still had to tell him that Ian was coming Saturday and staying for the month. If only-</p><p>	“Ms. Cahill?” Amy shot out of her trance and stared into the eyes of Mrs. Spouse, her English teacher. She was a plump woman with rosy cheeks and graying black hair.</p><p>        “Yes, Mrs. Spouse?”</p><p>	“What was William Shakespeare meaning when he said, We know what we are, but know not what we may be.?” Mrs. Spouse prompted.</p><p>	Amy tried to register what she had said but her mind was filled with worries and doubts that she couldn’t think of an answer. “I don’t know.”</p><p>	Mrs. Spouse frowned, clearly disappointed. Amy heard a few people snicker behind her.</p><p>	“This quote is saying that if we-” Amy drowned out the voices around here returning to her thoughts pondering how she was going to confront her brother and tell him about Ian. Dan disliked Ian and still couldn't get over the fact that many times Ian had tried to kill him. After all Ian had done to help them defeat the vespers and finish the clues hunt. Amy still couldn’t help but feel attracted to Ian but she couldn’t tell anyone that so she kept it to herself. </p><p>[Time Skip to after school]</p><p>	Amy was sitting on the couch waiting for Dan to come home. It had already been an hour since school ended and he definitely should be here by now. If he isn’t here in five minutes I will go look for him. Amy consented.</p><p>	Five minutes passed and Dan still wasn’t home. Just as she was about to get up to go search for him the door burst open with a bored looking Dan in the doorway.</p><p>	“Hey.” he said, making a beeline towards the stairs. Amy stepped in front of him.</p><p>	“Where have you been!” She demanded.</p><p>	Dan winced, “Detention.”</p><p>	“What? You never get detention?” </p><p>	“While I did today now let me go!” Dan sapped. Immediately after he caught himself and said, “Sorry, just tired.”</p><p>	Surprised by her brother snapping at her Amy considered letting him go. But she shook her head, she needed to know what was wrong. “Not yet. I need to talk to you.” She said that he gestured for him to sit at the table. </p><p>	Dan sighed but followed her and sat on a chair at the island. He looked up and waited for her to say something.</p><p>	“What's been up with you?” She said bluntly. Surprising herself but annoying Dan.</p><p>	“Nothing.”</p><p>	“Really? I don’t think not eating is nothing?” Amy said.</p><p>	“I am just not hungry.” Dan said getting up to walk towards the stairs. But Amy stopped him once again pushing him into the chair.</p><p>	“What about waking up early, you never wake up early? Liking school you hate school! And for the past month whenever I come down in the morning you are waiting and the coffee maker has been used. You hate coffee!”</p><p>	“I don’t any more!” Dan yelled and shoved Amy out of his way storming up the stairs.</p><p>	“Dan!” she yelled but it was too late he was gone with the sound of a slamming door behind him.</p><p>	Amy was shocked Dan had never shoved her, heck he didn’t even flick her!</p><p>	Amy ran up the stairs stopping at her brother's door. Outside she heard muffled sort of whimpers of sobs. What the heck! Amy charged in but abruptly stopped at the sight of her brother curled on the floor in the corner of the room shaking and sobbing into his arms. He looked up noticing she was there and quickly wiped the tears off his face. </p><p>	“What are you doing in here!” He demanded his voice cracking.</p><p>	“Dan. What's wrong?” Amy said, stepping towards her brother's pale shaking body. </p><p>	“Nothing, I'm fine. Just tired.” Dan said.</p><p>	“Dan please.” Amy pleading wanting to help her younger brother.</p><p>	“I said I am fine. Please leave, I just need some sleep.” Dan said pointing towards his door.</p><p>	“Fine but you’ll tell me if you need anything?” Amy said walking out the door.</p><p>	“Sure.” She heard Dan mumble just before the door closed in her face.</p><p>~*~*~*~</p><p>	Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Dan mentally yelled at himself. He should have never cried. Or snapped! Dan threw himself onto his bed banging his legs on the wooden railing. Pain shot up through him. He didn’t care, he deserved the pain.</p><p>	Slowly Dan rolled himself onto his back and laid there staring at the ceiling willing himself not to fall asleep.</p><p>	After a while he went back down stares to apologize to Amy but she wasn’t there. He was alone. Nellie was gone on a business trip to New York and wouldn’t be back till next Saturday. Dan didn’t know where Amy went so he just went back to his room to finish his homework. </p><p>	The next few days passed like a blur. Amy hadn’t said anything to Dan since she had seen him crying and Dan had said nothing to her. His nightmares were the same as ever, Irina falling into the flames, her body melting before his eyes. Dan was about to go get a coke from the fridge when the doorbell rang.</p><p>	Dan opened it only to slam it closed just as fast.</p><p>	“Dan! Open the door!” Amy yelled from the stairs making her way towards the door.</p><p>	“Why is Ian here!”</p><p>	“He asked if he could stay for the month I forgot to tell you!” Amy shouted, yanking the door open.</p><p>	“Hello Amy, Dan.” Ian greeted.</p><p>	“Hey Ian! Sorry about that, I forgot to tell Dan you were coming.” Amy apologized.</p><p>	“No worries. Thank you for letting me stay once again. Is that a pair of yours here?” Ian inquired.</p><p>	“That au pair is called Nellie. And no she won’t be back for a week.”</p><p>	Ian nodded walking into the house. </p><p>	“How have you been Ian”</p><p>	“Fairly well thank you, you?”</p><p>	“Good.” Amy said.</p><p>	“Horrible.” I muttered quietly but quickly said, “Fine.”</p><p>	Ian nodded. “Where might I be staying?”</p><p>	“Oh upstairs. Let me walk you up.” Amy said quickly, leading Ian up the stairs. Leaving Dan in the living room, alone. I deserve it. </p><p>~*~*~*~</p><p>       "Oh upstairs. Let me walk you up.” Amy said quickly, leading Ian up the stairs. She had known Ian for a while but still couldn’t get over him.</p><p>       Once they reached the third floor they turned into a long hallway. </p><p>       “I’m worried about Dan.” Amy blurted shocking herself and Ian.</p><p>       “What?” Ian asked, stopping to look at her.</p><p>       “He’s been acting strange. I don’t know what's up. I asked him about it a few days ago and he practically blew my head off yelling he was fine. Then I go after him and he is sobbing in his room. That’s not normal but he won’t tell me anything!” Amy said with tears coming to her eyes.</p><p>       “Amy calm down. He is probably just stressed with school. He did just start a new school.” Ian said.</p><p>       “I thought that too but he never sleeps, barely eats, and doesn't get me started on all the money we have had to spend buying coffee. It is outrageous even for people like us!” Amy said, starting to cry.</p><p>       “Amy don’t cry. It’s fine why don’t we talk to Nellie when she gets back. And in the meantime maybe try to figure it out on our own.”</p><p>       Amy nodded, wiping her tears. “Yeah ok. Sorry about this.”</p><p>       Ian shook his head, “You don’t have to apologize I am always here to help.” He smiled and I turned leading him to his room.</p><p>       “Thank you.” I say just before I leave.</p><p>       “Your welcome.”</p><p>~*~*~*~</p><p>	Once Amy left ian alone in his room. He couldn’t help but think about Natalie. This whole problem with Dan has really got him thinking. If only Natalie were here she would know how to help Ian.</p><p>	Ian already knew what was wrong with Dan the boy probably didn’t sleep because he has nightmares, probably the starting phases of PTSD. After all Dan has been through he was surprised it didn’t happen earlier.</p><p>	Amy seemed to be doing fine but then again she was much older then Dan when this all happened. Dan was only eleven when it all started. Now three years later he is finally feeling all the pain and it’s just too much.</p><p>[Time skip to later that day around eleven at night]</p><p>      It wasn’t the constant creaking of the walls as they strained from the storm that woke Ian up it was the thumps that came from the stairs that woke him up.</p><p>      Ian groaned getting out of bed to go and see what was wrong. He stood tiredly to his feet and walked into the hallway silently stepping down that stairs into the living room. </p><p>      Ian heard water pouring from the kitchen and a muffled gasp. Almost sprinting Ian ran into the kitchen to find Dan standing by the coffee maker.</p><p>      Dan turned around and saw Ian. “What are you doing here?” he grumbled.</p><p>      “You woke me up.” Ian stated not unkindly. He glanced at the clock. It was 3:30 in an hour and Amy would be waking up.</p><p>      “Sorry your majesty.” Dan said sarcastically, turning back to the coffee maker.</p><p>      “What are you doing up?” Ian asked, already guessing the answer.</p><p>      “I’m getting ready for the day.” Dan said even he wincing at the knowledge of you idiotic that sounds.  </p><p>      “Yeah, right. My guess you probably couldn’t sleep.” Ian said his words coming out harsher than he meant.</p><p>      Dan flinched. “I don’t have nightmares.” he retorted.</p><p>      “Dan, you know you can talk to Amy, Nellie, and even me.” Ian told him.</p><p>      Dan turned towards him, his eyes cold but Ian saw the fear in his eyes. “I can’t no one would understand.” He turned and walked out the room.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you liked it! Be sure to check out my other work/s. I a currently working on writing a crossover between The 39 Clue and Alex Rider, but there is more to be published.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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